Adoption Update #9

I haven't written anything about our adoption probably since our failed adoption back in October. There hasn't really been much to report, but we have also had to do our best to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. As much as possible, we have moved on from our failed adoption and put that behind us. Sometimes I get asked what we have learned from that trial and I honestly cannot say yet. There are a lot of things I know to be true about God and His plan for us and I cling to those things. But I cannot say what the lesson is for us and I'm not sure I will be able to while we're on this earth.
After several months of optimism and fairly stable emotions about adoption, the tough emotional times have come again where I'm not sure I can do this. Of course Cam and I continually discuss how we not only want to adopt but feel that God's will is for us to. He has provided in many ways to guide us down this path. Yet I still face the emotional trials of seemingly endless waiting and of course the unknowns of how this will all play out in the future. I realize that our next match will induce fears that are similar to pregnancies after miscarriages. I already think about what we will say to our next birthmom in light of our last match. I don't want to put any extra pressure on her to stay the course on her decision. Clearly, we have no control over any of this and all I can do is give it to the Lord. So that's what I'm doing. I will admit to crying myself to sleep a couple of times recently. I remember many nights like that before we got pregnant with our boys and have done my best not to go back there emotionally in the past 5 years. But I'm only human and cannot always be strong. Our entire journey to having children had been an emotional roller coaster. It's the toughest trial I've ever experienced.
It's at times like these that I am reminded to go back to the basics. My sweet friend and former discipler, Karin Harper, used to say that when times get really hard we go back to the basics and find the positives. So this is what I believe: God is good. He loves me and I love Him. He is a giver and wants to give me the desires of my heart. He hears my every prayer and cries with me. He will carry us through this time. He is sovereign over all of this and is carrying out His will in our lives. I really do trust Him. I believe that He will provide for us in a big way.
I'm sure this was not the most fun blog to read today. But these are my honest feelings and the update I have about our adoption for now. Thanks for your prayers!