What Happened with Our Adoption

Dear friends and family,

We know there are many unanswered questions about our recent failed adoption. Hopefully this email, this final chapter, will answer some questions and shed some light. We know that many of you have been praying fervently for us as well as rejoicing and hurting with us and we want to give you guys some details and some closure.

We got the call on Thursday at around noon that our birthmom, Shamara, was in labor in Dallas and that birth was imminent. We were so excited to finally be at this point and to be able to go and meet what we thought was a baby boy that we were going to name Isaac. After an hour in the car we got a call from Shamara who told us she had just delivered a baby girl! One of the biggest shocks I can ever remember- we were thrilled as we had secretly been hoping for a girl although were pumped about whatever God had in mind. We rushed to the hospital and were able to hold the baby girl on Friday night for the first time at about 8 PM. Shamara seemed her normal self throughout and we were able to talk freely during our hospital visits and get to know each other better. My brother Isaac and his wife Morgan along with their daughter Annette made it in town that night and were able to meet Shamara and the baby girl. We spent the night across town in a hotel and woke the next day eager to head to the hospital and see the baby - which at this point Shamara told us that her official name would be JaMiyah Aaleah Lastar Hollins (we both were aware that we would call her a different name which I'll get into later). JaMiyah weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz. and had an impressive head of hair. Christin also got to feed her a bottle and marveled at the amount of food this little one ate! Everyone in the room had a good laugh as she filled her diaper later while I was holding her. Christin was also extremely jealous that I was holding JaMiyah during her only real focused awake period. She opened her eyes a few times, grabbed my finger, and gave me a puzzled look. It was really a neat moment and not one I will soon forget. It was at that moment I knew I could bond and love this child for sure. We went to Love field and picked up my sister Amber and her son Cruz and they returned to the hospital to meet Shamara and JaMiyah. Also Christin's parents made it to Dallas about the same time and received proper introductions. We visited the hospital once more that afternoon and then had dinner at the hotel and prepared for Saturday. Saturday was 48 hours after birth and that meant Shamara was to be discharged. After discharge the plan was to meet at Buckner and hold an entrustment ceremony where Shamara would sign relinquishment papers and would pass off parenting to us for good. Late Friday night we received some texts from our maternity coordinator who was telling us Shamara was extremely sad, which we took to be normal for this situation. At this time we had decided on a name for the baby and our counselor thought it would encourage Shamara if we told her our name. We had decided on Kaili Elizabeth JaMiyah Smith. We texted this to Shamara that night hoping this would help with some of her grieving process. Shamara thanked us and we said we'd visit once more in the morning. Christin and I decided that the visit to the hospital Saturday morning would just be the 2 of us. We needed to drop off a car seat for JaMiyahto be transported to the ceremony in. We texted Shamara and told her we were on the way to the hospital and she said great. When we arrived, however, she was asleep under the sheets, so we decided to leave the seat and let her rest. About an hour later we got a call from her apologizing for missing us and we told her we'd just see her at Buckner that afternoon. She was supposed to be discharged around 2 pm and so we set the entrustment ceremony for 4 pm. We arrived at Buckner at around 3 and were told unfortunately that Shamara had not even been discharged yet - so we settled in to wait till around 6 pm. At this point we had 6 members of family and 7 friends from Midland gathered so we decided to kill time at a nearby Chili's. At around 6 pm Christin got a text from our counselor that asked for just Christin and I to come back. When we arrived at Buckner we went back to their office they told us that no one had heard from Shamara for several hours and that she had turned her phone off. Wisely, the Buckner counselors had concluded that this adoption was not going to happen. We asked questions and discussed how to tell everyone. We called in Carter and Mason and told them first, and their first reaction was "can I have a piece of gum?" They were worried about us of course but they haven't showed much comprehension of the situation. I then called in our friends and family to the room where we were supposed to have the ceremony and told them the news. We all cried, hugged and spent time praying. We needed our friends and family so very much in that moment, and even though they didn't get to see something exciting, I am so happy they were there. Slowly the finality of this has crept up on us and we are still grasping for answers. We slept little on Saturday night and woke up Sunday to a meeting with our adoption counselor. She had great words of wisdom and we were able to debrief some before heading back to Midland. As far as we know, no one has yet heard from Shamara as of Monday night.

Let me fill in some details that are pertinent. We believe that Shamara did indeed change her mind at the last possible moment and that this was not a scam or a lie. She frequently reassured both us and our adoption counselor of her desires to go through with this. As to what changed her mind, all I can offer is a speculation based on fact. Shamara's friends and family indicated early on that they were totally supportive of her decision to form an adoption plan. However, we have learned through our counselor that at the hospital there was severe pressure put on Shamara by friends and family to not go through with the adoption. Her best friend was her biggest support and we met her and had some wonderful conversations with her. She seemed to like us and we really liked her. On Saturday morning apparently this friend pulled her support away from Shamara's adoption decision. Also, a close friend of Shamara (who also happens to be the mother of Jimaya's father) put some hard pressure on Shamara to reconsider. I don't know what all she used to pressure and guilt her, but I am pretty sure it was intense. All we can think is that as the discharge kept getting delayed, people there were in hysterics and begging her to not go through with it. Apparently, at the last possible moment, Shamara overturned months of planning and caved to outside pressure. I by no means want to slander Shamara. I can only imagine the insane emotions that accompany her situation. Christin and I are not and have never been mad at her, we really feel zero anger. We are frustrated with the way she chose to end things, but in a way it is understandable.

Neither of us were prepared for the depth of sadness we have experienced since Saturday night. All of our dreams for the next few months and for a lifetime began to take shape as we held and looked at this baby girl. She was real, we could hold her, we could imagine you all meeting her and we wanted nothing more than to celebrate this answered prayer and share her with our loved ones. God has something else in store for us. At this point we are taking our profile out of the book for a time as we grieve. We both want to get to a point where we can be excited when another opportunity comes along. If that were to happen now, I'm afraid fear and cynicism might taint things.

Here are my thoughts internally as of the last few days. We knew all along, more than anybody, that this was a very real possibility. We are not angry at God, we are not questioning if we made a mistake, and we have no regrets about how we conducted ourselves during this time. It is impossible to be in our situation and not be totally emotionally involved with this sweet child. You can't protect yourself, you can't shield your family from all pain, you have to trust God and know that it is only on earth that this seems like a bad thing. So much of the wonderful things we now have in our family's life are there because we are willing to take risks when we feel God leading. We don't want to get to the point where we are too scared to follow His leading because we are worried about emotional loss or pain. This is not the end of our adoption journey. We will be back on our feet and ready for the next opportunity - and we can't wait to share our excitement with you all one day! In the mean time, please be in prayer for our family.

You are welcome to contact us now.

We'd love your prayers.

Love,

Christin and Cameron